Day 5

Question: Dear Civil Behavior: Almost 30 years ago, my older brother gave my parents an ultimatum — disown my little sister, who had just revealed she was gay, or he would cut himself and his family off from the rest of us. My parents refused to do such a thing and my brother made good on his threat and destroyed our family. I stood with my sister and have not seen or spoken to my big brother or any of his family since his declaration so long ago. Neither has my sister. Time has not healed the wounds of our family. On his deathbed, my dad asked me never to forget what my brother did to all of us and I promised him I would not — and I refuse to forgive him. My mother has forgiven my brother — and I’m glad for her. I also know my mom dearly wishes to have her family together before she dies. My question: Should I honor my father’s deathbed request or my mother’s final wish? 

— Straight Sister in the Middle

 

I read this a few weeks ago, published by the New York Times. I found it very powerful and felt I should address it. Regardless of what I say, I think everyone must make note that it will be easier said than done. It is easy for me to say what I think because I am not in the situation, carrying around 30 years of hurt, anger, and resentment. 

I believe in order for the family to be reunited, someone is going to have to swallow their pride. And that is NOT a bad thing. I actually commend the person who does. They would be reconciling for a greater good. They would be doing it for the future generation..their kids, their grandkids, for society, for the wellbeing of humans. Everyone is stubborn in their own ways and are sticklers for things that some might not understand; however, the whole family lost 30 years together not only because the brother made that ultimatum, but because the sisters and father also refused to speak to him. It appears in the passage neither party reached out to the other. They need to meet halfway. They do not have to be the best of friends, but at the end of the day, they are family and blood, whether they like that or not. It is stressful and hard to be mad at someone for 30 years. That sounds like a full time job, and they need to quit that job sooner than later. Because one day, it might be too late, and then they could be living the rest of their life wishing or hoping it was different. Don’t wait around for the other person to come around and take that first step towards reconciliation..they might not. Take control of your own happiness and fate. If you try to do what you believe is best in your heart and free yourself from anger and hurt, then you will live a more loving and happy life. Forgiveness is the best remedy.